


I wish

by blzrgurl71



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-01-26
Updated: 2013-06-10
Packaged: 2017-11-27 00:32:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/656044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blzrgurl71/pseuds/blzrgurl71
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This story takes place in the not too distant future. David is working at Hummel Tire & Lube while he goes to school. He still loves Kurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Good morning Kurt.”

 

“Good morning David and how are you today?”

 

“Fine thank you, and you?”

 

“Fine.”

 

            There, he’d said all the things that he was supposed to say and he’d even said them politely.  Not a trace of sarcasm or anger.  He wants polite…well I’d say he got it! After a moment or two of awkward silence he chanced a peek in his direction.  Damn.  Kurt was looking at him with that mildly, no…tolerantly amused look on his face.  He is so smug sometimes.

 

“Really?” Kurt looked dubious.

 

He sighed. “No not really, but how are we supposed to get this right if you question it? Every time I do it right you screw it up by questioning my answers!” He exhaled slowly, counted to 10, and looked at him.  Big mistake.  He always looks like he actually wants to know how I feel. “I’m tired, I don’t feel well, I’d rather be at home…I’m not fine, but that is what people say when they’re trying to be polite and that is what you asked for…right?” He went on knowing that Kurt was capable of being utterly relentless when he felt you were holding something back. “I’m supposed to sing one of the specials tomorrow at church and it’s making me nervous so I’m not really good company right now.  I’m completely freaked out; I don’t think I can do it!”

 

The object of his affection laughed softly, “Then why do you keep doing this to yourself?  Why not just say no, why agonize?”

 

He turned to face his coworker (and hopefully friend) for the first time that morning. “I have to do it, if I don’t do these things to myself…if I don’t make myself bigger, more visible every once in a while…”

His voice trailed off. “I’m scared I’ll just, just shrink down to nothing. I’ll just blink right out of existence.  No one can see me if I don’t make them…so I have to make them.”

 

Kurt looked amazed. “You don’t actually believe that, do you?”

 

The man could try the patience of a saint! “Of course I do…I’ve worked too long and too hard at being invisible. Now it just happens whether I’m trying to or not, so…every once in a while…I have to do something to make people see me.” He just wished, just once, that the proud boy in front of him could understand.

 

“You couldn’t be invisible if you tried David; your friends, your family, your customers…they all see you, I promise.”

 

He put out his hand before he could stop himself but he did manage to avoid touching Kurt. “Look maybe you think people see me but they don’t, no one does.  I’m David.  I’m that guy at the counter, you know the funny one that tells those hilarious stories all the time…but I don’t exist outside of this place.  The minute they walk out the door? Poof!  I disappear.  It’s that simple.”

 

 Kurt shook his head. “They wouldn’t agree.  They love you, you’re the reason they come back.  We wouldn’t have half the customers that we do if you weren’t here!”

 

“They don’t love me; they love the idea of me.  They own me and this place.  When they come here, I’m here to entertain them.  When they leave they forget me until the next time they need me.” Dave just wanted to make him see. “Look, it’s just like you and all the _bloodletting_ you do on your days off…”

 

He questioned that, laughing. “So you’re saying you’re an adrenaline junkie?”

 

“No!  I’m saying that I’m doing what I have to do to prove to myself that I exist. I don’t do it for the fear; I do it to be seen. If I don’t do it…I have no proof.” He finished his sentence weakly, hoping the other boy wouldn’t notice his eyes filling.

 

“David, I know you exist.  I see you, the real you, you don’t have to torture yourself.”

 

Damn him.  He did notice. He’s quite possibly the only observant guy in whole stinking world. “You have never seen me, believe me.”

 

“Are you kidding, I’ve known you for years…I think I’ve seen you!” The smaller boy was openly scoffing now.

 

How can he sound so bewildered? “You haven’t got a clue! You don’t care what I look like and honestly, you don’t care to see me anymore than any of those people! You’ve got some sort of image of me in your tiny little brain but since I know that’s not the real me…I know you haven’t seen me, not really!” He hoped he was throwing Kurt off the scent, at least a little.

 

“You think I wear this fat suit by accident, that I have some sort of portion control issue or that I just eat because I’m unhappy.  No matter what I did people wouldn’t stop looking at me, they kept seeing me for what I really was.  Big, ugly, gay Karofsky. So? I got fat.  No one likes to look at fat people, it’s uncomfortable.  Remember your ‘chubby boy’ comment? I’m living proof. Their eyes just slide right off of me and move on to something _prettier_ , it took me a long time to figure that out and even longer to figure out how fat I had to be before everyone would just stop looking at me!” He paused and drew a breath. “Now nobody sees me, nobody cares; it’s a lot easier this way.  All I have to do is occasionally break out and be visible for a little while…just a little bit and then I’m good again.  No fuss, no muss.”

 

“You know I only called you chubby to hurt you the way you were hurting me, right? I know that you don’t really like it this way and you know it, no one could be happy like that!  I…”

 

The bell for the door chimed and one of the shop favorites walked through the door - David could’ve hugged the woman for her impeccable timing. “Hi, how can I help you today?”

 

She smiled, “Hi David, I have an appointment at 10:00 today”

 

David laughed slyly. “Oh really? Well, we’ll just see about that!” Dave knew she was his 10am, he’d seen her name on the schedule that morning when he came in, this was just part of the game he played with his regulars. “Dang!  Looks like you do have an appointment today, so…I already have your paperwork ready if you could just sign here and uh…if I could have the keys please?” He turned back to Kurt. “So…you up?” The fashionable young mechanic narrowed his eyes. “Yeah I’m up.  Here ma’am, I’ll take those keys, you just make yourself comfortable in the lobby here and I’ll get your car in and going.” Kurt walked away with the keys and clipboard but turned and walked backwards through the door into the shop “Not over” he mouthed at him “Not!”

 

Dave turned back to the customer.  “OK now where did we leave off last time you were here?  Did I tell you about the time I fell down a hill? All the way down a hill. No? Well…”

 

***

 

**_Wouldn’t it be nice if it really went like that, he mused pen still in his hand, ink still wet on the page._ **

 

If only the real story weren't so boring; nice guy, not-so-nice guy, so not gonna get together at all. He's not looking, I'm not good-looking...you know the story.

 

He's polite, he talks to me, but sometimes I feel like I have to browbeat him into it. I feel like if I didn't remind him that it isn't polite to only ignore me in a room full of people, he wouldn't even look at me. The weird thing is he seems to know I exist. He thinks of me when I'm not around, he tells me things that happened that he knows I'll think are funny. He spends an inordinate amount of time telling me that he's worried about my "health". Of course I can’t help but use this against him. I tell him to stop calling me fat.

 

He worries that I'll never find someone though so maybe it's just self-preservation. Maybe he thinks that if I was dating someone I would stop loving him. But how can I move on when he listens to what I say? When months later he calls me on some esoteric piece of bullshit thing I said to him ONE time. He knows what color my eyes are (there are guys I've known my whole life that couldn't tell you that much about me…my best friend “Z”). He laughs at my jokes, tells me not to call myself names. He makes me smile just looking at him; he doesn't even have to look back.

 

It can't be true love though... otherwise I'd be willing to let it go. He has a boyfriend. He's not interested in someone like me. He wants some sweet ‘wifey’ who never calls him on his bullshit. He reads, writes, sings...and boy can he carry on a conversation. He can’t go an hour without hair product though, which frankly should make me drop it... but I can't. I know I probably only like him because he'll never like me back. I get that if he suddenly said yes, I’d probably back-pedal like crazy.

 

It's just that whatever I do I'm hitting my head against a brick wall. If I let it go, I have nothing, not even hope. If I don't let it go... I'll end up bleeding, just like the last time I “fell in love” with him. Love isn't safe. It's not for cowards. Love is hard, jagged; it makes you ache with emptiness and that's when you _have_ love. You don't want to hear about how it feels when you have none.

 

I have none.

 

I can't remember the last time I had any. I'm not sure that anyone has ever loved me, not best anyway. I know I didn't really love him last time, at least not at first. In my defense, love grows... if given the chance. I do always give it the chance; I can't seem to stop myself. I'm just too dumb to lie down and die I guess. I just don't know when to stop throwing good love after bad.  I’ve loved Kurt Hummel so many times, but he’s never loved me back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to warn for homophobic language and a whole lot of self-hate.

It started with "The Kiss" of course. The first time he let me down...was the kiss. I know I shouldn't have done it, I get that, I'm not stupid. I know he was mad at me. I know I was being an ass, but did he have to look at me like I'd just kicked his puppy? Did he have to look at me like I was hideous, some kind of monster? I don't know what I thought would happen but it wasn't that. I was hurt and scared and lashing out and he was so very, very angry with me. All I could do was show him why I was acting out, I mean it's not like I could tell him. I couldn't even say it out loud back then. Hell, I could barely even think it at that point. So when I saw the look on his face afterwards, I didn't know what else to do. I had to get out of there, away from him. I couldn't stand it. I knew then that what I wanted was never gonna happen even if I didn't know exactly what it was that I wanted. I think that even after running away though that I thought he might come after me, that he, he might care enough to at least make sure that I was okay, but he didn't. He just went on with his life like nothing had happened. Like we hadn't even kissed. The most important moment of my life...and it was nothing to him.

 

Of course you know what happened next. He let me down again. He just walked right up to the nearest good looking gay guy in Ohio and told him everything. My deepest darkest secret and he just told someone, worse it was someone he barely even knew. Then they get the bright idea to come to school and say it all...out loud...in front of people. Right there on the stairs, where anyone could've overheard. Preppy boy, I understand, he doesn't know me. He doesn't know how McKinley works. Kurt though, he knew and he obviously didn't care that he could've outed me to the entire school. He didn't think about what could have happened to me at all. I know it's not his responsibility to keep my secrets but for someone who would later tell me "I would never out you", he sure came awful close that day.

 

I realize now that what I did next pretty much killed my chances with him. It's kind of hard to come back from a death threat. I'm not making excuses for it though, I know what I did was wrong. I just needed his attention so badly; I needed him to look at me...to see me. He was the one person in my life that knew and I don't know what scared me more...that he knew and he might tell everyone at school or that he wouldn't. Maybe it meant so little to him that it wasn’t even worth telling anyone about.

 

And that is kind of what started this whole thing. I felt so invisible and back then I didn't want to be, not like now. If I could go back, I would. If I could talk to myself at that moment, the moment I decided that I needed his attention more than I needed his love, his trust, his respect, I would. I would tell myself that the fallout from that one decision would lose me everything I held dear, hell it almost lost me my life. I think that was one of my lowest moments...well you know, right up to the point where everyone found out that I was gay and then I tried to kill myself.  

 

Finn coming up to me and talking to me after the whole "Thriller" thing shouldn't have upset me so much but after the high of the performance wore off and I started looking around for Kurt and all I could see was him being so wrapped up in Curly Sue that he hadn't even noticed me. All I wanted to do was hit something...preferably Kurt's boy toy. So..."I'm on top, why would I want to change things?" just has to come out of my mouth. The look on Finn’s face, he knew how I felt about the dancing and singing, he knew that I'd loved it, but that boy was dumber than a box of rocks if he thought that I could handle seeing Kurt at Dalton with...him. Stupid, pretty, little prep school boy...everything that Kurt ever wanted and everything that I'm not. I'm such an idiot, I had somehow got it into my head during all this that I could be what Kurt wanted, I liked singing and dancing and stupid Schue even said that I was good at it...I never thought that I could be...you know...good at something. Well, other than football and being a jerk.

 

I know the plan was to just pretend to be normal until I moved out and went to college. That way I wouldn't have to see the look on my parents faces when they found out that their son was a fag. I knew that they would hate me for it. I knew I'd never see them again but I just wanted to get through high school you know? I just wanted to be loved for just a little while longer, by someone…even if it was just my parents. All I had to do was stay on top at school and keep fooling everyone about what I really was for just two measly years; anyone could do that, right?

 

Except me obviously, but singing with the glee club and the dancing and the zombie makeup...that felt good, real good. And Mr. Schue with his "If you took that energy you use bullying people and put it into this, you'd be one of the most talented guys in the school, just think about it." This is of course how Finn found out that I liked being in Glee. Because after that, I just had to suggest we do a second song and get all relaxed. It just made sense, it just...felt...right, somehow. This was how I could do it, get close to Kurt, show him who I really am; show him that I could be perfect for him. So of course we killed it, of course we shocked everyone with how good we really were and then the hammer falls and the stupid Puckheads had to go and slushy us, us...the football team.

 

"Holy crap, they turned Karofsky gay!" was all it took to turn the whole thing around. Me and the rest of the guys walked out of that room knowing that if we didn't, we would never be able to show our faces at school again. But they don’t give up; they don’t even try to get us back. They still wanna do the show and play in the game. So they get the glee girls to play so they have enough players for the championship game and proceed to rub it in our faces. Finn runs off to convince the Cheerios in glee to come perform with them and Puck comes into the locker room at half-time and convinces everybody...even Z, to be in the show and those assholes just left me there.

 

I went out onto the field after I grabbed all my gear so that I could at least watch them all go down in flames. But no, everyone in the stands was freaking out, they loved it! Everyone was cheering and screaming and singing along, like they thought it was cool or something. That’s when I knew that I had to get out there on the field with everyone else. It was amazing; I have never felt like that...so alive, so powerful, so...good. Beiste even slapped me and said "Welcome back, boy." with the proudest look on her face after the show. I had the biggest grin in the room. Of course we were pretty sure we were going to lose in the final few seconds but even with Finn's ridiculous idea (that actually worked) and going on to win the game...it didn't feel half as good as the show.

 

So that puts us back at "What do you think, we all dance around together and win a football game and everything’s gonna change? Glee clubs gonna be cool and we're all gonna sing hippy peace songs every morning?" Finn the moron coming back with "Maybe, I don't know, it's a start." I hate to be the one to break it him but I do it anyways. "No dude it's a finish. ’Kay, this is high school, people’s memories for good stuff lasts about as long as their Facebook status."

 

"We got a chance to really change things here," he says and I counter back, "I just won the conference championship; I'm on top, why would I want to change things?" I'm sure that conversation had nothing to do with the fact that Kurt and Hair Gel danced past me after the game, nothing to do with the fact that he congratulated Finn and Puck...they both used to bully him, but he just walked right past me and...he let me down again. I just did something dangerous for him; I just set myself up for a fall for him. I left myself wide open for everyone in that school to see what a fag I am and what did I get? He didn't see me dancing, he didn't hear me singing, he didn't notice me at all.

 

The next day I thought to myself “Santana knows. I’m sure of it.” She had been all caught up in the fight the night before but that day, she just kept looking at me. When Santana gets _that_ look in her eye, it’s better to just keep your head down. I spent all day trying not to make eye contact. That girl was vicious. She still is.

 

I don’t know why she was even standing up for Eyebrows, she didn’t really know him. Although maybe it was just for Kurt, she _loves_ him. It’s hard to tell where she’s coming from sometimes, especially when she starts talking about the razor blades…you just wanna run. It’s not my fault Kurt brought the hobbit to school again, not that he was much help last time either. Although this time he shoved me. I just _had_ to push back…little man thinks he’s so tough. Just because Kurt thinks he’s all that and a bag of chips doesn’t mean the rest of us do. As usual though, I’m the one running away.

 

I went back to the gym and spent the next hour pushing myself to the limit, testing myself, drawing the line and crossing it over and over again. Sometimes it makes me feel a little more normal. No one is there judging me and for once I can stop judging myself. Here in this room was the only place I could feel good about myself up until I was forced to join Glee Club. Not that I feel _normal_ singing and dancing but I do feel good about it. It makes me feel happy, which isn’t something I get to feel a whole lot. Lifting weights gives me some of that same rush, some of the same sense of power and it doesn’t make people think I’m gay. This counts as a win in my book even if I do feel like someone beat the crap out of me afterwards. Although, standing in the shower is always the best and the worst part of the day and today was no exception. I love the heat and the water pounding me senseless, relaxing the muscles in my neck and back. I just wish it didn’t give me so much time to think.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More self-hate, I don't think that's going to go away. Threats of "outing" too, sorry...

The day had started out so well but then…Santana happened. I knew someone would figure it out eventually and considering Santana’s almost unholy ability to know when someone was hiding something I’m not surprised it was her. I tried to bluff my way out of it but she just knew. She said she caught me staring but I didn’t even remember looking at Sam’s ass. I tried telling her I was just checking out his jeans but she saw right through that. Then came the kicker, she tells me exactly how my life’s gonna go down if I don’t do something about it now but she says it’s okay. She says that it’s fine that I won’t find myself until I’m older. I might whine about how she did it but she’s the first person to find out that didn’t tell me to change first thing. Kurt did, Blaine did, but Santana? She said “I accept that about you.” Next thing I know we’re sitting in my room watching “It Gets Better” videos on YouTube in the dark, eating ice cream and we’re both crying our eyes out, although if she finds out that I told you that…she will cut me like a bitch.

 

The next Monday we go talk to Figgins and start up the “Bully Whips”, I hated that name…She thought of it though, so I was stuck with it. Then comes the hard part. First bully we run into? Z, of course. Why not? Fuck my life. He kept looking at me like he was waiting for the punch line or like I was gonna change my mind and start helping him steal Brett’s pants. Why would he even want Brett’s pants, not like they’re gonna fit him…he’s just being a jerk and he knows it. A couple of days later and Santana thinks we’re ready to go talk to the Glee club. It goes down pretty much exactly the way I thought it would.

 

See, the Gleeks are all about inclusion except when it comes to the Jocks. They talk a lot of shit about me but I just stayed calm and say everything that Santana and I had worked out the night before. I say I’m sorry and I talk about feeling bad for putting them through everything but most of all I make sure they know how sorry I am about everything with Kurt. I let all the hurt show in my eyes. “Satan” says it’s the only way the Gleeks will go for it, you know, if they can tell how sorry I am. So I make sure they can see it. Then we hit ‘em right between the eyes, she walks down to stand beside me and blows their little musical minds. They think we’re in love. This is all part of the whole “Who me? Gay?” plan. I didn’t think they would fall for it, but they do…morons, all of them. I know they’re Kurt’s friends but jeez, gullible much? I know that part of it is the fact that they would never even _consider_ the alternative. No way would they ever suspect that Kurt is the reason I’m doing all this. I don’t want Prom King; I just don’t want people knowing I’m gay. Her plan to rule the school is strictly camouflage. I just want to survive and try to make up for all the crap I pulled on Kurt and this is pretty much all I can do to fix what I did.

 

By the time I can arrange the meeting with Figgins and our families Kurt already knows that something is up, he just doesn’t know what. Santana just told him that things had changed and that we wanted the meeting if he wanted to come back. Burt looked pissed. I didn’t call him that then of course. I didn’t blame him a bit but he scared the crap out of me back in those days. Sometimes when you look at Burt and you look at Kurt you don’t really see the resemblance. Maybe just the eyes, they aren’t the same color but they still look the same somehow. Then you see ‘em pissed and you realize they look _so_ much alike.

 

He actually knew the score, he knew that the fact that I had stopped was the reason the numbers were so low, but he didn’t realize how hard I was coming down on the Jocks. He had no idea how hard it was to rein them in. He didn’t know how much worse it would have been if I weren’t there, keeping them down, keeping them quiet. There’s a fine line between me not letting them hurt people and them figuring out that it’s me that’s scared I might get hurt. If they had known…it would have all been over. They might accidentally have gone too far with Kurt but if they had found out about me, they would have ended me and it wouldn’t have been an accident.

 

I phased out for a bit and when I came back Burt was yelling about how I said that I was gonna kill Kurt. I half-heartedly spoke up then but I could tell when I looked at Kurt that he knows it’s only a token protest. Then he asks for a minute alone and when they all leave. He lets me down again.

 

That night I googled “Eve Harrington” and let me just say that just because I’m gay does not mean I have to watch that shit. Kurt sometimes acts like there’s only one kind of gay and I guess until he pushed I thought so too. I know better by this time though. I actually _watched_ those videos, not all of them looked like him. Some of them didn’t look like either of us to be honest; some of those guys were even more “girly” than Kurt. Although some of them looked like they’d make me look femme, hell some of the girls made me look femme.

 

I suppose that’s part of the problem, all us freaks and geeks, we should stick together but we even isolate ourselves from each other. I might not have been ready to say I was gay out loud in front of everybody but at least I knew that I was an “us” not a “them”. If we ever got our acts together, we could take over the world, too bad we’re too busy fighting amongst ourselves. There’s a lot more of us than there are of them, why are we fighting about who gets persecuted more?  So I said all the appropriate things to Kurt but we both knew it was an uneasy truce at best. I knew I was just gonna have to show him how much I meant it. I kept wishing he wouldn’t try so hard to piss me off though. He knew I was scared he was going to out me and he just kept threatening me with it. I just wished he would either do it and get it over with or just shut up about it. I was a work in progress, what can I say?

 

All this talk about Kurt letting me down, I guess it’s time tell you about how I let myself down. The next week, Santana comes to me nearly in tears about the glee assignment and Britt was mad at her for not wearing the shirt she made her. I don’t think she knew that Britt was going to make her a shirt. She’d made one for each of us, hers said “bitch”. I told her mine should say “scared” but she said “you weren’t born that way, people taught you to be like that.” I guess she’s right but in that case, maybe her shirt says the wrong thing on it too. We sat way up high in the auditorium so the rest of the Gleeks wouldn’t see us. She wore the right shirt. I wore the wrong shirt and put a sweater on and wore my puffy vest on over that…just in case. One step forward, two steps back.

 

Patrolling the halls started to get a little annoying. Nothing was happening anymore but I knew it wouldn’t last so I tried to stay on my game. Santana was not helping. She kept making up all these stupid rules about how we had to talk on the walkie-talkies. I’m pretty sure she was making most of it up. Not the “over” thing though, I know that was real, I just liked ticking her off. Then one day I’m dropping Kurt off at French class and he starts talking to me, really talking to me. He kept _looking_ at me like he understood what I was going through. He said that I didn’t have to come out yet, he said that he could “feel my pain” and I just lost it. I couldn’t stop crying and telling him over and over how sorry I was. Then a girl in my Calc. class walked by and I had to suck it up and blow it off like it didn’t mean anything but when she was far enough away I said “Remember you wait for me here, all right?” and he actually looked like he would. He looked at me like he would wait for me. That was the first time that I realized that I loved him, really loved him.

 

It may sound cliché, but prom night? I literally felt like my heart might beat right out of my chest. I couldn’t believe those jerks had done this to us. It made me feel sick. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just leave it alone…who cared if Hummel had a boyfriend…not me. And I don’t know where Kurt gets off acting like this bullshit prom king and queen thing was something they did to him. To me, it kind of feels like they did this to _us_. I didn’t understand why he was pushing so hard, why he would even say that to me? He couldn’t think that this was the appropriate time to come out. Not after everything he said before. Dancing together in front of the whole school…not a good idea. I wasn’t ready for that kind of pressure. I wasn’t strong like him; I didn’t have _anyone_ who would stand up for me, he did. He had his boyfriend and his family and everyone in Glee and apparently I didn’t even have him. I looked at him and whispered “I can’t” and there I was, running again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same warnings as the other chapters, nothing new here...maybe next chapter?

I used to like to tell people, “I have a long-standing agreement with myself that it’s only okay to skip class if all my homework is turned in and I’m getting an “A” in the class.” So I figured, “I’m good, right?” A couple of classes a day every day and I wasn’t missing any class more than once and I certainly wouldn’t have let it cut into practice, so…I was good. He was worth it even if I hadn’t been playing it smart though. I thought that maybe since the _pretty pony_ had left him for someone else, that the way was clear for me. I was gonna do it right this time. Shower him with gifts and cards all week, a dozen little tokens of affection and then ask him to meet me at Breadstix on Valentine’s Day. Once he showed up, I’d tell him how I feel. It wasn’t like he was all upset about him and Blaine but I figured I’d show him how sensitive I was about the whole situation and let him know that I was willing to wait until he was ready. This time he wouldn’t back away in fear. He would know that I would never hurt him.

 

I loved the way his eyes lit up when I walked up to him. I watched him open his locker to find the latest love note, poem, cheesy hallmark card, or teddy bear and just beam. When he was really happy, he had this way of biting his lower lip and ducking his head like he just couldn’t believe it was for him. I made sure to include his favorite sweets as well as a few of mine.  When he finally got there that night, I was so ready to lay it all out on the line. I walked out, handed him the candy and the card and waited. He gave a little bounce when he took it and then read the card out loud. “Dear Kurt, Happy Valentine’s Day, I think I love you. Wait you, you _think_ you love me?”

 

I slowly took the gorilla mask off and looked him in the eye, smiling all the while. I saw the confusion on his face when he saw who I was. “Karofsky.”

I gave him a minute to pull himself together; I didn’t think he would be this shocked. I led him over to a booth towards the back. I wasn’t trying to hide exactly, but I also didn’t want everyone knowing that we were here together. I figured I was pretty safe; the kids from my school don’t exactly head over to this part of town much. “So you tormented me, shoved me into lockers, called me horrible names and hate kissed me. Now after one conversation in a bar you want us to be together?”

I knew I needed to be straight with him if I wanted to have any sort of chance with him. “When I was at McKinley I hated who I was. I took that out on you because there you were, so proud.” I reached across the table and took his hand. I could barely hear myself think over the buzzing in my ears, I was so nervous. “I’ve wanted to call you since that night at Scandals. It’s taken me a while but for the first time in my life I’m trying to be honest about what I feel.”

“And I’m flattered I, I really am but David you just think that you love me, you don’t _really_ love me.”

I tried to make him understand. I tried to explain myself but he wasn’t interested, although it turns out that he and Blaine are still together. I’m kind of surprised by that but…it’s his relationship, I guess he gets to decide whether they stay together or not. Now I’m just embarrassed though. “I should go.”

“Wait, no you don’t have to go.”

He doesn’t understand. I do have to go; I can’t look at him and not want more than I can have. “I hope you like the candies, the butterscotch ones are my favorites”

 “…Line two, hey Karofsky.”

 _Fucking hell, what are Nick and his “flavor of the week” doing here?_ “Nick?”

Asshole Nick from the football team twitches his head in Kurt’s direction, “You guys hanging out for Valentine’s Day?”

Kurt and I looked at each other and then both told him _No_ at the same time. You can tell we haven’t done this together before, of course I’m used to denying everything but with Kurt around…I know I’m being too obvious.

“No, no we used to go to the same school; we just bumped into each other.” I can see that Kurt is trying for super reasonable but Nick isn’t going to go for it. He knows. I know he knows.

The smirk on Nicks face is unmistakable, “That’s exactly what it looked like.”

I mumble something to the two of them and did what I always do, I run.

 

Walking into the locker room that day was so hard but I had to keep up appearances, right? I tried to keep the smile on my face but I could see that they were all looking at me. I could tell that they all knew. Nick had told someone, maybe everyone. The further in I walked, the more it felt like a trap. I tried to calm my breathing, to slow my racing heart but then the crowd parted and I saw my locker. My throat felt swollen shut, I couldn't swallow, couldn't breathe. All I could think at that moment was, "The universe must hate me." I'm not quite sure how I rate so much attention, I ran again.

 

My dad likes to say "You get what you need David, which isn't always the same as what you want." On the other hand, I'm not sure how I need to walk into the locker room and see "FAG" spray painted in neon pink on my locker door. I'm not sure how I need to go through all of this crap or how I need Kurt Hummel to break my heart over and over again.

 

My mom would say "God loves you and He knows best...we just have to trust in His plan and give up trying to control things that aren't for us to know or understand." I don't know how she does it, just trusting that this is how it needs to go. I'm not sure how it’s going fit into the "Great Plan" when she finds out I'm gay...I'm pretty sure she'll say _that's_ not in His plan. Somehow it’ll all be my fault. This won’t be like when I was 12. I tried to tell her that the reason I had skipped school that day was because it was part of God's plan. She knew how to handle that, she just informed me that it was also part of God's plan to ground me for a week.

 

I don't think being grounded is gonna cut it this time though. Being gay is a “choice” and a sin against God as we _all_ know and I'm pretty sure she's not gonna believe me when I say that I tried really hard not to be gay...it just didn't work.

 

I’m never getting out of Lima. I guess that's okay.

 

When Burt first asked me if I wanted the job I was so grateful. I just felt like there wasn’t ever going to be a safe place for me to be. I would never have to be scared that they might “find out” because they already knew everything. If I had to be a “Lima Loser” at least I would have a steady job with people who understood what I was. Between the hospital bills and the therapists and of course the _divorce_ my dad and I didn’t have a whole lot left over for college. Who knew how much that shit cost? The hospital bills were outrageous and apparently suicide attempts aren’t really on the health plan. The therapist bills were crazy too, I tried to talk dad out of it but he insisted. He even started going, she has us both writing in our journal to help us “cope with the pain”, pfft. This whole writing thing is ridiculous but here I am doing it. I don’t want to let Dad down, he’s paid so much money already and Mom asking for “spousal support” didn’t help. I get it, she has a pretty low paying job but she left us, it isn’t our fault she’s become accustomed to a higher standard of living. Lots of people survive on what she makes when they don’t have a house payment or car payment. She didn’t want anything to do with me, I think she would have stayed with Dad if he had kicked me out or had agreed to send me to “conversion camp”. I am so thankful he didn’t give in on that point.

 

I didn’t know what I wanted out of life other than survival but I knew that **not** going to college wasn’t an option. So that summer, part-time at the local community college and full-time at Hummel’s Tires  & Lube was a godsend. By the time fall came around we just switched it up a bit. Burt was really good about scheduling me around my classes and making sure I had enough free time to get my homework done without having to sacrifice too much paycheck. It might take me a little longer than most but I knew I’d get there in the end.

 

The guys in the shop were real understanding about it too, they knew we were just barely scraping by. They were so cool about it, they seemed like they wanted me to make it work. I could have waited a year but dad didn’t want to hear it and I knew I couldn’t let him take on any extra work. It was bad enough that he had to do all the housework. He only let me do the yard work because he couldn’t handle it anymore. It was pretty hard on his ego when he realized that so he worked extra hard to make sure he made the meals and did the cleaning…except for the vacuuming, we have one those old clunkers that weighs about a thousand pounds. It doesn’t hurt me to vacuum twice a week, in fact I’m pretty sure it’s good for me. We don’t perpetuate stereotypes in our house; we assign chores to the person who is best able to handle the task. Yeah, whatever that means.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one night! Same warnings as usual with a little sex talk, no actual sex though.

"So you taking a long weekend and getting married without saying a word to me about it...that was just you being spontaneous? You weren't purposely avoiding me and then not telling me because you were trying to keep it a secret? Because it feels like it was on purpose Kurt, it feels like you did it to hurt my feelings..."

 

"It wasn't about you David, it was about us just feeling like the time was right. We just finally decided to do it, I knew you would be upset that I got married but I thought you were mostly over this."

 

"It isn't about you getting married you ass, it's about the fact that you say we're friends and then go and pull a dick move like this! We aren't friends! Those people, out there in the shop? They're your friends; want to know how I know? You told them. You told them you were getting married. You told them from the start, because they're your friends. I'm not, otherwise you would have told me too."

 

After that our conversations seem to stop. I don’t want to talk him if it’s going to make me like this and he didn’t really want to talk to me in the first place. I think he just feels like he has to because he said he would so many times and then didn’t. Sometimes he comes into the lobby and acts like he wants to talk. He’ll get himself a bottle of water and then stand there, not drinking it. He looks like he wants to say something to me but you can’t ever really know what’s going through someone else’s mind. I’m probably just reading too much into it.

 

I try not to let myself feel too much for Kurt and I never feel that way about anyone else. I think about it sometimes, just going out and finding some random guy. I think about just walking up to someone and talking to him, flirting with him...just to see how it feels. I know that there's no one out there for me, I know that. But maybe someday, someone might....just...sleep with me or something? Maybe someone might kiss me, someday, maybe.

 

It’s just really hard, knowing that I’m always going to be alone. I know it’s for the best but it still hurts. Having the person you love standing right in front of you, it’s a little like picking pieces of broken glass up off the floor. You try to be careful, you know it’ll cut you if you’re not…but no matter how slow you go, no matter how hard you try…that one little sliver just slices you to the bone. The next thing you know you’re just watching yourself bleed out. You can’t stop it; all you can do is watch and wait to see if this time is going to be the last time. Maybe this time, it won’t stop and you can just let go.  This time you can just…not “be” anymore.

 

But you live; you don’t die no matter how hard you try or _don’t_ try as the case may be. If it were possible to just _waste_ away from lack of caring…you would have done it by now. It’s not that you want to continue on the way you are, it’s just that it can't be too easy, that's the main thing. Life sucks too much to ever let it slide, not even just this once, it won’t just let you off the hook. Nope. Not going to happen like that. Get used to it. I have. This journal…book…whatever this is, it helps but it doesn’t change anything. I’m still me and Kurt is still Kurt and everything still hurts. It just helps me get the poison out of my system. It keeps it from _festering_ but the wound is still open, if that makes any sense at all.

 

People don't like me, not because I used to be a bully. They don't like me because they can tell that deep, down inside...there's something wrong with me. People can smell "freak" a mile away and I reek. That's why Hummel doesn't want me. That’s why no one wants me.

 

Sometimes when I 'm being really self-indulgent, I think about that kiss. I think about how it might have gone differently. What might have happened if when I went in for the second kiss, instead of looking at me like I was a monster, he had realized what I was trying to tell him? What if he had known how I felt about him, how I felt about myself? Or even what might have happened if I had asked for the first kiss? What if I had taken a second to pause, to look him in the eye, before the kiss? What if he had kissed me back? What would I have done, where would it have stopped? What if it hadn't...stopped? What if we had just kept going?

 

I think about his mouth on mine. I think about his hands, oh god, his hands. Have you ever looked at them? They're gorgeous. I think about holding them, I think about them holding onto mine, holding onto me. I think about holding them down, not to hurt him, never to hurt him. I just want to hold him down and look at him before I kiss him. I think about the way his neck looks. I think about kissing it and how it might feel if he kissed mine. Sometimes I even think about him holding me down.

 

Thinking like that does me no good though. It didn't happen that way; god knows I wish it had.

 

So between school and work and therapy and dad my days just get filled up and most of the time I don’t even get to see Kurt so it’s okay. These days it’s mostly just here and there at the grocery store. Sometimes at the gas station or around town, now that I’m not working for Burt anymore it’s pretty hit or miss. I actually get to see Burt _more_ often now, he was at the hospital a lot there for a while and he still comes in to see Carole at work. I get through it by just putting one foot in front of the other. It’s kind of funny how little I think about how much time has passed. The next thing I know I’m getting ready to graduate college…not high school…college. I don’t even know how this happened. I can barely remember last week much less last year. I still feel like a kid, I feel like I’m stuck. I’m frozen at 17 and I can’t seem to get any further but…life has gone on without me.

 

I’ve been in college for _five_ years. Van Wert sucked…practically an hour each way but after getting my transfer degree I moved to a college a little closer to home. Then it was a lot better. It’s crazy, this June I’m graduating with a Bachelor’s degree, majoring in Athletic Training and minoring in Exercise Physiology from Ohio Northern University at Lima Memorial Hospital, it boggles my mind. I know I wanted to be a sports agent way back when but these days, that’s mostly contract work, making sure the kids don’t get taken advantage of. I’d rather be working with them one on one. I thought about the Pre-Physical Therapist program at the hospital but decided I’d rather just get in the field and maybe work on that after. I like helping people, it feels good. I know I can’t erase what I’ve done but I feel a little bit better about myself knowing that I’m doing what I can to make their lives better. Chronic pain can cause so many other parts of your life to decline. It can make you angry or sad; it can make just getting through the day so much harder. When you hurt you don’t want to move, when you don’t move you tend to gain weight and it makes it that much harder to get moving again, which then makes you want to stop moving altogether. It’s a vicious cycle.

 

That’s where I met Roland, at the hospital. He was just finishing up his nursing degree when I transferred into the Athletic Training program. He stayed at Lima and we started having lunch together and after about a year he just asked me out one day. He’s gorgeous so I had no idea he even thought of me that way. It’s so funny because looking back, I probably should have realized. He told me later that he thought we were dating for months before he asked me out. He said he probably wouldn’t have but he suddenly realized that _I didn’t know we were dating_.

 

I knew we were spending a lot of time together, he was helping me study and helping me “not study” but I didn’t realize he thought we were in a relationship. Unfortunately that’s actually a really good description of our relationship. That’s not really a good thing, you should know you’re dating someone and you need to be as invested as the other person or it isn’t going to work.

 

It isn’t that I didn’t care about him, I did. I just didn’t have a lot of room in my heart for someone who wasn’t Kurt. It isn’t that I thought Kurt and I were ever going to be a thing…I just didn’t see myself with anyone else. Honestly, I just assumed that no one would ever like me and so it wasn’t even something I really thought about. It took me six months of “dating” to realize that he actually liked me. He wasn’t too thrilled about that but somehow he convinced himself that I was worth the wait. I’m not saying we didn’t do anything, just that we took it slow…glacially slow, his words not mine. He’s a nice guy, he’s going to make someone very happy but he deserves someone who will make him happy too. I think he thought I would but eventually he realized that my baggage left no room for him in my life. He stayed over sometimes and mostly I slept on the couch when he did but a couple of times he convinced me to sleep in the bed with him.

 

I loved kissing him and we even exchanged hand jobs a few times but I was so uncomfortable with it all that he mostly just let me have my way. I didn’t mind touching him, I just didn’t want him touching me. My body was so wrecked, I just didn’t want him to look at it, look at me and just be totally turned off by all the stretch marks. I had lost a lot of weight in the last couple of years and I hated how I looked. I only lost the weight because one of my professors took me aside and let me know in the nicest possible way that kids weren’t going to take advice about being healthy from someone who wasn’t. I had felt so ugly inside and out for so long. Senior year I learned a lot about myself, I found out how painful attention could be. I realized that I hated people looking at me. I gained so much weight my first year at Van Wert, it wasn’t the freshman 15 it was more like the freshman 150. The fatter I got the less “attention” I had to deal with. I wasn’t skinny in high school but I wasn’t fat either, just bulky. In the two years I was at Northwest State Van Wert, I gained almost 200 pounds and it took me the whole three years I was at the hospital to lose it. He didn’t understand. He thought that because I had lost the weight that I was healthy, I knew better.

 

“David? Who is Kurt?”

I looked up at Roland who was just walking out of the bedroom. “Kurt? Wow, where did you hear that name? I haven’t heard from him in years…we used to go to school together.” I wonder why he would bring up Kurt but I suddenly feel like maybe I won’t like the answer.

“He used to go here?”

He was holding himself so _carefully_. “No, we went to high school together.”

“Oh, that time in your life we aren’t allowed to talk about. Is he the reason why?”

Now I know I’m in trouble, who told him about Kurt, how does he even know his name? “No. Well, he was part of it…”

“So, what happened with him? Did you date him?” Before I can even finish my sentence he’s asking another and now I have to try to explain the “world of weird” that is my relationship with Kurt.

“What? No! We never dated Roland. I wasn’t even out until halfway through senior year anyways.” He knows when I was outed; does he think I was lying to him?

“So who is he?”

“Nobody.” Nobody that should matter to you anyways.

“Really David? Because he just sent you a message saying _Please come, I need you_.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me? Where is he, did he say? Give me my phone.” Oh no, what happened. Kurt wouldn’t say that if it wasn’t something bad. I hope Burt is okay. I reached out for my phone but Roland wasn’t giving it up that easily. He continued looking at the screen like it would answer all his questions even if I wouldn’t.

“Don’t worry, I already answered.  I said that as soon as your boyfriend was finished breaking up with you, you would be right there.”

“Oh my god Roland, please don’t make this about us.  I haven’t talked to him for over two years. We used to sort of be friends. We went to high school together and I worked for his dad at Hummel Tires and Lube for a few years. I told you about that job, his dad was kind of sick there for a while and he needed reliable help in the shop.”

“So why would he say that? Why would he say he _needs_ you?”

"I don’t know why. Why don’t you give my phone and I’ll find out?"

"Sometimes I hate you."

"Yeah? Well sometimes I do too, now give my god damn phone." He put the phone in my hand with a little more force than absolutely necessary and then walked right out the door and out of my life. He didn’t even come back for the few things that he had been leaving at my place in case he stayed.

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on FF.net almost a year ago and got some nice reviews but I'm posting now in the hopes that people might have some constructive criticism, let me know what you think. I'm not really a writer...more of a storyteller. It always sounds better when I say it out loud than when I try to write it down. My stories just don't seem to translate well...
> 
>  
> 
> Kate


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